What If?
by QuinaLee
Summary: Matt's hopelessly in love with his best friend. But certain events send Matt spiraling down into depression. After L dies, he catches Mello trying to leave..is it too late to tell him how he feels? One shot, song fic, yaoi, etc.


**Ohey, guys. I haven't really posted anything in awhile...but, oh wellz.  
>I've been working on this story for awhile now...and I got it done like..two months ago. XD I just failed to post it...there's a smex scene...just to warn you. And...yeah.<br>The song is What If by Safetysuit. I highly recommend you listen to it.  
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**Enjoy. ^-^  
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><p><strong>What If?<strong>

Everyone was obsessing over the newest Wammy's couple. But, to be honest, Matt had no idea who either were. Maybe that had something o do with the fact that his nose was so constantly buried in his games. He would never admit it, though, but he was jealous of how happy they could be while he was pining away in his own demise.

So, as everyone chattered around him about the "adorable" pair, Matt sat sulking at his usual lunch table, dejectedly poking at his food.

"Matty, your patheticness is annoying me," was Mello's response to his best friend's behavior. "It's really no wonder you don't have a girlfriend. Who would want to date someone who wears goggles all the time? And all you do is play your stupid games!"

The red head laughed. "I don't see _your_ girlfriend. And who said I wanted one, anyway?"

"C'mon, Matt, I'm your best friend. Don't think I can't read you like a book."

That scared him. Did that mean he _knew_?

"Besides, I'm not one for relationships," he brushed off with a shrug.

Oh, that _hurt_. Sure, Matt knew the idea was _impossible_, but he could still hope.

After dinner, Matt followed Mello to his room to play his handheld as the blonde studied. Although he played his game, his mind was still hopelessly mulling over Mello's words. Two hours later, and it was at the point where Matt couldn't stand being near the blonde much longer.

"I-I'm going back to my room," he decided, clicking off the electronic with a slight yawn.

"G'night," Mello called as he left, buried in a textbook.

Matt collapsed on his bed, kicking off his pants and pulling off his shirt to shimmy beneath the covers before removing his eyewear to set on the bedside table.

Mello's words still echoed in his head, getting harsher and harsher each time. The syllables sent a trickling sensation from the corner of his eye and into the hollow of his ear.

He didn't realize it was a tear until after a few more escaped and he began choking on sobs.

Why can't you just love me like I love you?" Matt asked the ceiling, hugging the pillow tighter to his chest to cry himself into a sleep where his dreams brought him to a life he longed to have…

_What if it makes you sad at me?  
>And what if it makes you laugh now, but you cry as you fall asleep?<em>

Matt was sitting on the couch in the common room in a peculiar way. Not L or Near peculiar. No, this successor was upside down, hair lightly swishing the carpet with his tongue pressed against his top lip in concentration as his experienced fingers worked the buttons on his handheld.

"Die, you bastards!" he half-yelled before drawing his bottom lip into his mouth.

Mello glanced up at his from his pile of textbooks on the floor. "Will you shut up already? I'm trying to concentrate he—!"

"Take that!" he cheered. "Woo!"

The blonde sighed exasperatingly, turning back to his open book in another attempt to ignore the gamer. It was silent for a sweet, sweet moment before…

"Yeah! Eat it, you little fucker!"

Mello growled, standing to stomp over to his annoying best friend. "Do you not understand the meaning of _shut up_?" he spat at him, reaching out to snatch the game.

The ginger's eyes widened and he quickly scrambled upright to hide the electronic behind his back.

"Oh, no you don't! Give it to me!" Mello demanded, wrapping both arms around him in search of the object, and, at the same time, sliding on top of him to straddle his waist.

Matt struggled beneath him, writhing and twisting his hips in an attempt to throw him off. That is, until he realized just where he was and he _froze_, his breath catching in his throat. Mello stopped moving as well, meeting the gamer's wide gaze. They stared at each other for a long moment before Matt unconsciously nudged his hips upwards a little, eliciting a sound, which could have been a stifled moan, from the blonde's lips. But Matt could only hope.

The red head blushed and diverted his eyes. Mello took that as his cue to finally compose himself and snatch the handheld while the other was distracted. Like Matt honestly _cared_ at this point. The blonde hopped off of him, stuffing the electronic into his pocket before sashaying back to his mountain of studies…

_What if you catch your breath,  
>And you can hardly breathe?<br>What if it makes the last sound be the very best sound?_

It had been a few days since Matt had last touched his games, and that kind of worried Mello.

When he wasn't at classes or meals, the red head was locked in his room, hands folded beneath his head on his bed. His goggles were tossed on the floor, forgotten, as his sapphire eyes stayed trained on the ceiling. His head was so hopelessly buried in the clouds, replaying that moment in the common room over and over again, that he didn't hear the approaching blonde storm.

The door flung open and hit the wall with a startling bang. Not that Matt noticed, of course.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Mello yelled at him.

The red head hardly moved to show he acknowledged his presence.

"I'm absolutely _sick_ of this, Matt! Ever since I took that _precious_ game of yours away, you've been a sulking ball of patheticness!" He stomped closer to the bed, looming over his friend to catch his unwilling gaze. "You want it back? Here, take it!" He threw it onto the mattress beside him. "Just give me my best friend back!"

Matt finally darted his eyes to Mello's pleading ones. He was good at that—hiding his emotions with his mask of anger and indifference—but the red head knew him better than that. For some reason, though, he couldn't stop the glare at the blonde.

"Leave me alone," he whispered somewhat angrily.

Despite how quickly Mello hid his hurt expression, Matt still caught it. He didn't feel bad, though, didn't feel anything, just…numb.

And, without another word, Mello stormed out of the room…

_What if it makes you lose faith in me?  
>And what if it makes you question every moment you cannot see?<em>

Matt didn't bother trying anymore. He hardly ate or went to class, choosing instead to stay curled in the corner of his room or sprawled in the center of his floor. Internally, he fought the nothingness that threatened to consume him, still not understanding exactly where it came from in the first place.

It was a Wednesday when the red head was summoned into L's office. He should have been surprised, considering that gesture was usually reserved for Mello and Near, but he wasn't, nor could he bring himself to be.

"Matt," L greeted from his perch at his desk as Matt found the chair across from him. Receiving no response from the boy, he continued, "Do you know why you're here?"

His successor stayed silent, hardly moving with his eyes locked on the edge of the wooden desk. Matt unconsciously fisted and relaxed his hands in some sort of rhythm.

L sighed, his usually unemotional eyes saddened at the sight before him. "Why have you been skipping your classes, Mail?"

He took a moment, contemplating whether or not he should respond before mumbling, "I don't…feel comfortable."

The detective wasn't shocked by this, he understood what was happening to the boy. But that didn't stop him from prying further. "Why? Why do you not feel comfortable?"

Matt only clenched his jaw.

"Is it because of the other children? Do they bother you, Mail?"

The red head gave a slow nod. "I don't like being around people."

Just as L had suspected. He nodded, bringing a thumb to his lips.

A moment of silence passed before Matt's stomach gurgled embarrassingly loud. Which brought the detective to his next point of concern.

"Matt-kun, when was the last time you had eaten a proper meal?"

The boy's goggleless eyes widened ever so slightly, just enough to give L the answer he needed. "I-I…I don't know," he told him honestly, sounding defeated. His shoulders slumped forward.

The detective suddenly stood, taking Matt's arm to make him follow out the door. "The cook is going to make you your favorite meal, and you're going to eat it, you understand?"

Matt nodded as he was dragged down the stairs.

"And I will be speaking to your instructors regarding your absences…"

Later, back in his room, the red head felt as if he was going to burst. After becoming somewhat accustomed to having an empty stomach, and now suddenly being so_ full_… A part of him wished he would explode. The part of him that had just barely escaped the nothingness.

He crunched into the fetal position in the center of his bed, crying himself into a nap…

_What if it makes you crash,  
>And you can't find the key?<br>What if it makes you ask how you can let it all go?_

Matt had been having regular meetings with L. Whether it was in person or over the phone, every other Wednesday, he gave the detective an update on his health.

It was Tuesday, the day before L was scheduled to call. Everything seemed dark, gloomy. As if something terrible had happened.

Mello and Near had been called to Roger's office in the middle of the last class. Matt didn't even meet the blonde's pleading gaze as he was ushered from the room.

When the bell rang, the children shuffled out of the room silently and into the crowded hallway to make their ways to their rooms. Matt trudged slowly against the wall until he was the last one walking, wishing it would just suck him in.

The absence of noise gave him room to think. What was so important that needed both Mello _and_ Near during class? The corners of Matt's lips turned down. He would have to ask L about it tomorrow.

He was just passing the common room when he heard a loud bang and some one-sided shouting. The voice was getting louder, matched with angry footsteps. Matt didn't register it until the blonde came storming past him. He fell against the wall, shocked. What had Mello so worked up?

He didn't mean to follow him; it hurt to be near him. But, sure enough, Matt found himself panting in Mello's doorway. It took him a moment to find his words. "Mello…"

The blonde was hurriedly rummaging through his room, throwing stuff into a pile on his bed. "What? So you've finally decided to _care_?"

Matt dropped his goggleless gaze to his feet. "I've always cared, Mello," he murmured.

"You sure have a hell of a way of showing it," he laughed bitterly. Mello still hadn't looked at the boy.

Matt shifted awkwardly. "W-What are you doing, Mello?"

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing? I'm leaving this fucking place!"

Sapphire eyes widened. He whispered, "Why?"

"Because I'm sick of it, Matt!" he fumed, finally meeting his sad gaze. "I'm sick of always coming second to that fucking _sheep_! I'm sick of your stupid behavior! I'm almost fifteen, Matt, I need to disappear now that Near is L."

Matt stopped breathing. What was that supposed to mean?

The blonde chuckled darkly. "L is dead."

Pressure built up behind the red head's eyes. "H-How?"

"Kira finally got 'em." He spat the serial killer's name with so much aggression, it left Matt flinching. Mello began shoving things into his bag…

_And if this be our last conversation,  
>If this be the last time that we speak for awhile,<br>Don't lose hope and don't let go…_

Matt watched him sadly, helplessly. "Mello…don't."

"You don't care if I leave, _don't_ pretend you do." He sounded like he could be crying, but Matt highly doubted that was the case.

"Don't try to tell me what I feel, Mello. You don't need to leave. Stay," he begged.

Mello ignored him.

"It doesn't matter if L chose Near, Mel—"

"He didn't _choose_ Near," he interjected angrily.

Matt cocked his head in confusion, brows knitting together. "Then why…?"

"He didn't _choose_ at all. He expected us to work_ together_." He slung the bag over his shoulder and looked solemnly at the red head. "Don't try and follow me. I don't want to see you ever again."

The words ripped Matt's heart out, threw it on the ground and was about to stomp on it when he grabbed Mello's elbow. "Don't leave," he pleaded, tears finally cascading down his cheeks.

"It's too late," he whispered coldly, turning away from him, "I've made up my mind."

It was like thousands of nails were being pounded into his skin, bone, muscle simultaneously. But the irrational part of his brain kicked in and he realized that this really was the last time he'd see his best friend. The last chance he would have to get the truth out.

He couldn't tell if everything slowed down or sped up once Matt gripped the blonde hair at the base of his neck and Mello said, "What the—" And he's cut off by anxious, nervous, excited, sad lips. Matt pulled his shocked best friend as close as physically possible, an arm looped around his waist.

Mello stood stalk-still, eyes agape, until the red head slowly pulled away, a small smile on his face. The blonde had missed that smile.

"What the hell was that?" he questioned, not nearly as venomous as he would have liked.

Matt blushed, averting his eyes as he took a small step back. "I couldn't let you leave without knowing the truth."

"No, no, you're just trying to get me to stay, aren't you? You know how I feel and you're just trying to mess with me!" he accused, flushing darkly. "I'm not falling for your bullshit, Matt. You've completely avoided me for the past few months!"

"I only did that because you _hurt_ me! I was so disgusted with myself for loving you! And what the fuck are you trying to pull? Your 'feelings'?"

"You heard me! Ever since the day we've met, I've loved you!"

Mello wasn't sure if it was because his veins were swimming with anger or if it was just his cooped up _need_ for the boy, but, suddenly, he had Matt pushed up against the wall, hands tight at his upper arms and lips shoved against his.

The red head lost himself in the feeling, idly wondering why Mello had acted so cruel if what he had said was true. Could that have been his way of showing it? He fisted the fabric at Mello's hips, drawing him closer, closer, until they were flush against each other.

Mello bit down harshly, yet gently on his lower lip, quickly licking away the sting. Matt darted out to meet his tongue with his own, coaxing it into his mouth. The blonde explored the cavern gently, slowly leading the boy toward the unmade bed. He let the bag fall to the floor as he pushed Matt down to straddle his waist, holding himself up with hands on either side of his head.

The red head pressed his hips up against Mello's, eliciting a hiss from both of their mouths. Matt fumbled with the boy's shirt, lifting it with fingers that ghosted across milky skin.

Mello's skin trembled beneath the touch, making him lean into it as they separated lips to discard of the shirt. Matt rubbed his calloused gamer thumbs across the blonde's erect nipples, making him groan and his elbows tremble as he tried to hold himself up. Mello sat back on his heels, taking the boy's hands to make him follow before dropping a striped shirt to the floor. He latched his teeth onto Matt's sensitive neck and Matt dug his nails into his back, arching to press their chests together.

They suddenly paused in their attentions, panting against each other, eyes boring into the others. Slowly, fluidly, Matt removed the crimson rosary from around Mello's neck and gently set it on the bedside table. He looked back into his eyes as Mello took one of his hands, pressing light kisses up his arm.

With a trail of kisses, nips and licks, Mello made his way down the boy's torso to unbutton his pants. He yanked on the belt loops, shimmying them down as Matt lifted his hips to help. They joined the shirts, followed shortly by the other pair.

They pressed into each other hungrily, aching for more of the delicious, skin-to-skin contact.

"Mello," Matt moaned breathlessly as fingers dipped into his boxers. He wiggled his hips in an attempt to lead the fingers to where he desired them most.

Mello smirked, kissing the red head's neck softly as he pulled off both pairs of boxers. Matt dug his nails into the blonde's shoulders as Mello grinded against him and moaned directly into his ear.

"Oh, Matt," he panted, voice heavy with lust. "I need you so badly."

Matt locked eyes with him. "You have me, Mello. You always have."

The blonde swooped down to capture his lips in a fiery kiss as he inched his hand toward the bedside table, grabbing a small bottle of lube from the drawer. He squirted some in his hands, continuing to kiss the red head with everything he had as he coated himself with the lube.

Mello grabbed Matt's legs and guided them to wrap around his waist. The boy complied and crossed his ankles behind his back as excitement, nervousness and a little something else pooled in his stomach.

Mello laced his fingers with Matt's as he slowly pushed inside of him. He watched as the boy winced, biting down on his lower lip so cutely, it made Mello want to kiss him. So he did.

Matt melted against his lips as the blonde pushed deeper and deeper inside. Once he was fully sheathed, Matt couldn't help the whimper that escaped or the tears that threatened to fall.

"Don't worry, Matty," Mello whispered. "I won't hurt you. I love you so much." He kissed his face gently in reassurance.

They stayed still, frozen in time for awhile as Matt adjusted to the new feeling. It wasn't until the redhead nodded that Mello started to move again, grunting softly. He pulled completely out before easing back inside again, slightly harder than before. Matt let out a low moan, both out of pain and pleasure. Mello started moving normally. His movements were slow at first, pushing in and out, slowly getting faster as Matt adjusted and the pain faded away. It gave way to pleasure, and Matt shut his eyes, knitting his brow and leaving his mouth open. Mello took this as a sign. He picked up the pace, ramming harder and harder and getting louder and louder. He didn't care if anyone heard. Especially when Matt's eyes shot open and he let out a strangled cry of ecstasy. Mello knew he'd hit that magical spot that no man or woman could resist. He rammed hard into the same place, teasingly slowing down just a tad. Finally, Matt could stand it no longer. He screamed, and shot his load all over their bodies, while Mello shoved himself against the spot one last time and came deep inside his best friend.

Mello's arms shook unsteadily, then gave out. He pulled himself out, and rolled over, sticky with white baby sauce. Matt stared at the ceiling. His eyes were wide, and his mind raced, blurry and fogged. But the same words just kept coming back. _Matt, I need you so badly_... They were words Matt had been dying to hear his entire life from that boy. Then Mail Jeevas's eyes closed, as the blonde fuzz got up and headed towards a shower.

The sun wasn't even up yet; the skies were still quite dark as Mello slowly woke up. He stretched, feeling a little sore. The events of the night before were fresh in his mind and brought a small smile to his lips. A smile that was quickly followed by a frown.

He glanced at the peaceful sleeping face of his best friend, gently pushing a few stray red hairs out of his face. He marveled at the boy's beauty; how soft his features were, his lips lifted in contentment.

It killed him that he had to leave. But there really was no other choice.

Mello cautiously climbed out of the bed, tiptoeing to his scattered clothes and pulling them on. Every now and then he peeked at the sleeping redhead, his heart breaking more each time. He gathered the remainder of his belongings and placed them in a pile next to the door before returning to the side of the bed.

He reached out, gently touching the boy's cheek. "I love you, Matt," he whispered, bending to press his lips gently to his. Mello stayed that way for awhile, unable to let go. When he finally gained the strength, he pulled away, closing his eyes to catch the tears that threatened to fall. He turned toward the door, taking a deep, shaky breath as he picked up his things and left without even a glance back.

For the first time in what felt like ages, Matt woke with a smile on his face. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes before rolling to face his best friend. Or, rather, where his best friend should have been.

His eyes widened and he sat up in sheer panic. He hurriedly searched the room for any sign of the blonde haired beauty, but he was horrified to find that not even his bag or clothes were in sight.

"No…" he whispers brokenly, hugging his legs tightly, choking on a sob. "I'm d-dreaming."

He cried for what felt like hours, unable to believe that Mello had truly left. With stinging, bloodshot eyes, he finally glanced at the clock on the bedside table.

But it wasn't the clock he saw. Because sitting draped across the table, was Mello's rosary.

He blinked a few times, making sure he wasn't just seeing things before slowly reaching out to touch it. The metal of the cross was cool beneath his fingers as they wrapped around it and pulled it to his chest, staring at it in awe. He brought it up to his lips and gently kissed the rosary before slipping it around his neck.

_'Cause you should know,  
>If it makes you sad,<br>If it makes you sad at me,  
>Then it's all my fault, and let me fix it please,<br>'Cause you know that I'm always all for you,  
>'Cause you know that I'm always all for you,<br>What if what I want makes you sad at me?  
>And is it all my fault, or can I fix it please?<br>'Cause you know that I'm always all for you,  
>'Cause you know that I'm always all for you,<br>I am all for you, oh._

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><p><strong>How'd you like it? I have mixed feelings about it...<br>Oh well! REVIEWWWWW~3**

**~QuinaLeeClara  
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